I Write These Movie Reviews Locked in the Trunk of Your Car. Thanks for the Snacks!!
Mark Allen Michaels
Mark Allen Michaels
Thanks to my extensive 45-second deep dive into research, the spellcheck-infuriating horror comedy VampyrZ On A Boat was completed sometime in 2019 and will/is available on various outlets on September 27, 2022. You had no idea this existed in 2019 and you can completely ignore it in 2022.
Vampire teeth brought to you by a local flea market.
VOAB opens with some crew members on a boat (or a “ship”). They’ll be dead soon due to some mysterious creature that attacked them.
Just spit-balling, but thanks to my 4.5 second deep dive into the title of this movie, I’m guessing it’s a vampire, um, vampyr…Z.
VOAB opens again with two men sitting by a pier. The younger man’s name is Del (Curt “Miranda” Lambert) and he’s trying to convince his older friend Max (Dallas “Houston” Valdez) to take a job with him on a boat/ship combo. It’s a dangerous one, but it could make them rich.
Max says no until…
He sees the woman of his dreams. Her name is Sara (Carrie Keagan) and we’ll try to ignore she looks young enough to be his daughter. Apparently Sara is taking the boat job with Del. Now Max will take the job as well because he’s smitten with Sara.
It’s true love.
The job takes place on a *checks title* boat.
Max, Sara, and Del are there. So are a bunch of expendable nameless crew members. And some shady doctors. They’re there to observe a 400-year old creature in the hold, possibly learn its ways and cure the world of all illness and death. What could this mysterious creature be?
It’s a vampire. No, I’m not changing the spelling. The movie’s not good enough for that.
Soon all heck breaks loose because the vampire has the hots for Sara too.
Carnage ensues and it’s up to Max and Del to save the boat…and the world!
What Works With VampyrZ On A Boat
- It’s barely over an hour long so not too much of your time is waZted.
What Doesn’t Work With VampyrZ On A Boat
- Labeled a “horror comedy” but you’re never scared. You might smile once or twice and you might accidentally laugh, but probably not…Z. For example, there are attempted scenes for laughs involving a ventriloquist and that’s about as funny as it readZ.
- Scenes are (literally) repetitive and get less effective as the (thankfully very short) movie trudges along. A character actually says the lines, “We’re not in Kansas anymore”, and “Steak dinner on me”. Wait…STAKE dinner. Oh, that is funnyZ.
If you watch the trailer, VOAB is as bad as you expect it to be. But at least it’s not terrible because it’s made with so much heart if not a budget or nuanced screenplay. You’ve seen worZe.
© 2022 Noel Penaflor