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"The Sixth Secret" (2022): Movie Review

This Movie Review is the Brain Child of so many different personalities!!!

You don't need a crystal ball to tell you to skip this.

You don't need a crystal ball to tell you to skip this.

Running Time

90 Excruciating Minutes

Director

Mart Sander

Writer

Mart Sander (I think they're the same person)

MPAA Rating

G for Garbage

The Sixth Secret: Alternative to the Minions

This 4th of July, if you’re being forced to go to the theaters to see a f*cking Minions movie over and over and over again because your family watches easy to digest kid-friendly entertainment then be glad you’re not having to sit through The Sixth Secret because it’s no secret that you shouldn’t subject yourself to 90 minutes of a movie going nowhere…slowly.

I should save the line, “It’s no secret you should skip The Sixth Secret” until the end because that way I can work in the word “secret” both times and that sentence will be six times cleverer than the movie.

Okay, 3 times cleverer tops.

This is one of those reviews where I’m writing so fast that I make a lot of typos because all I want to do is finish and get this over with so I never have to think about this movie ever again. I’m usually trying to fill a word count, but right now IDGAF, I just want to get through this and watch Stranger Things.

Things are not looking up for those who watch this movie.

Séances and Secrets

The Sixth Secret opens sometime between 1940 and 1938 in London or some European country where the accents all different or every actor is trying a different accent like in House of Gucci.

We’re in the spooky house on the hill of the renowned psychic or whatever named Madame Orlofsky. It’s almost midnight and we’re gathered here for a séance. There’s supposed to be twelve people here but because it’s a dark and stormy night some of them couldn’t make it. They were the lucky ones. Not because of the eventual deaths but because this movie is not very good.

That’s fine because there are three main people who are important to this story and that I was actually paying attention to because those are the characters you’ll remember if you remember them at all.

There’s…

  • Edwin Bunpree (Ben Walton-Tommy-Lee-Jones) – Yes, that Edwin Bunpree. He’s the heir to the Bunpree empire. He’s recently turned 21 even though he looks like he’s 28. Now that he’s of age he will fully inherit his inheritance which was there for inheriting should that need to happen. Edwin also has a really bad cough that he tries to make go away with massive amounts of alcohol. No wonder he looks much older than 21.
  • Alfred (Gregory Defleur) – He’s American and looks like Jean Dujardin in The Artist. He’s Edwin’s financial advisor and Edwin is his ward. He’s here with Edwin at the séance to learn a couple of things. He’s got a pencil mustache so you know he’s untrustworthy.
  • Madame Orlofsky (Triin Lellep) – As mentioned before, she’s a prominent psychic and medium. Her seances are the talk of the town…from those people that make it out of them alive.

There are a handful more characters (including a deaf butler and a woman in a dress), but they don’t seem to have a purpose except filling the 12 person quota.

It took more time to set this shot than it took to try to make this movie good.

It took more time to set this shot than it took to try to make this movie good.

How Many Secrets Are Too Many?

It’s almost midnight and Madame Orlofsky has arrived to spread good cheer and divulge some secrets during this séance. You see, Madame O is in constant contact with the spirits that be and they have told her that before the clock strikes midnight, three secrets between the almost dozen people will be revealed. Since Madame O doesn’t know any of the people personally, it’s the otherworldly specters that give her the information for better or worse. So anyone who’s hiding something, your cupboard of lies will be laid bare.

For example, Madame O along with everyone else learns that Edwin Bunpree is not really Edwin Bunpree but was adopted when he was a baby into the Bunpree family. Edwin is shocked and coughing and drinking out of a red party cup. This has been a doozy of a night so far. What else is he going to learn?

Edwin will learn that his mother is somewhere in this room. WTF?

Before the night is through, more secrets will be revealed. Probably adding up to six.

But who or what is behind this séance? And who will these secrets affect?

And who will survive the night?

To find the answers to this and more you have to sit through the movie. Or just go see that Minions movie again. Or Elvis even though it’s not good. Or The Black Phone which is very good. Or just stay home and be glad you’re reading this review instead of watching The Sixth Secret. Unless you never made it this far into the review.

What Works with The Sixth Secret

  • The second half of the movie is much better than the first half so if you’re watching this because someone has a weapon to your head at least you won’t be as bored. As more of the secrets are revealed you’ll find yourself slightly invested in what’s going on, even though the payoff isn’t worth it.
The side-eye is strong because the movie is weak.

The side-eye is strong because the movie is weak.

What Doesn’t Work With The Sixth Secret

  • Ostensibly labeled a horror/comedy, there are barely any laughs and if there are scenes that actually scare you, they’ve been kept secret from you or anyone else who watched this except…
  • Doing research for this movie I learned that this won an Audience Award at the Haapsalu Horror and Fantasy Film Festival in Estonia back in May of 2022. I have ask 1) How many people were at this festival? 2) What were the other movies in competition that lost to *this*. I take it back; I really don’t want to know.
  • You’ve seen structure formats where flashbacks illuminate new things you didn’t know about characters that have already been established. Writer/director Mart Sander has scenes like these, but they go over ad nauseum information the audience already knows. What’s worse than a ton of exposition dumped on the audience? The same exposition laid out slower but in less detail.

Overall

It’s no secret you should skip The Sixth Secret.

 "Let's stay for two secrets and then find another movie to appear in."

"Let's stay for two secrets and then find another movie to appear in."

Really 1.5 Stars

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© 2022 Noel Penaflor