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"KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park" Review

I've been a KISS fan since '77, seen them live numerous times (in and out of makeup), and I'm a veteran of the KISS Expo/Convention scene.

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. Goodtimes Home Video VHS cover.

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. Goodtimes Home Video VHS cover.

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

Director: Gordon Hessler

Starring: Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Peter Criss, Anthony Zerbe

As a B-Movie buff and a rock 'n' roll fan, the 1978 cult classic KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park is a film that's near and dear to my heart. On paper, this sci-fi thriller certainly sounds like a can't miss concept. Check out the breathless hype from the back of the VHS box:

"KISS makes its feature film debut in a spine tingling mystery that matches KISS' extraordinary powers against a demented genius inventor ...featured is some of KISS' best music, performed with stunning special effects!"

...of course, anyone who's actually seen the film will call B.S. on the claims that it's "spine tingling" and features "stunning special effects." The only "stunning" thing about this movie is how bad it is. KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park is a hilariously awesome train wreck of cheap sets and effects with a ridiculous plot, an out-to-lunch script, and uniformly terrible perfomances, all slathered in a shiny layer of glorious low budget '70s-TV Cheez Whiz.

That said, Phantom must have seemed like a can't miss idea in 1978, when KISS was at the peak of their mainstream popularity. Marvel Comics had recently published two giant sized Super Special KISS comic books in which the band became super-heroes thanks to a set of mystical amulets.

They were silly as hell, but they set new sales records for Marvel, and the band's camp decided that a "KISS as Superheroes" film was the logical next step. A deal was quickly struck with Hanna-Barbera Productions -- the cartoon studio behind Scooby-Doo and dozens of other cheaply animated Saturday Morning favorites -- and the NBC television network. The film was hyped as "A Hard Day's Night meets Star Wars."

In the rush to get the project on the air in time for Halloween '78, however, no one seemed to worry about unimportant details like a coherent script, or whether anyone in the band knew how to act. The result was a film that bad movie aficionados and KISS Army members alike have been laughing about for more than forty years.

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

The Plot (Such as it is...)

The opening credits of KISS Meets the Phantom also serve as an commercial for California's Magic Mountain Amusement Park, where the film was shot. The cameras linger over the roller coasters, merry go rounds, and midway booths while Godzilla sized versions of the KISS members perform "Rock and Roll All Nite." KISS is slated to play a series of concerts at the park, which manager Calvin (Carmine Caridi) hopes will bring a much needed attendance boost and cash infusion to the struggling attraction.

Less enthusiastic is Abner Devareux (a slumming Anthony Zerbe, previously of Papillon and The Omega Man), the eccentric creator of the park's lifelike cybernetic robots and mechanical attractions. Abner's ticked off because Calvin has been funneling money away from his research projects to pay for the KISS concerts. Abner is fired after an argument with Calvin, and when Abner swears to Calvin "You will...regret ...this day," many viewers will already be saying, "I think I will regret watching this movie."

What management doesn't know is that part of Abner's "research" involved kidnapping random park attendees (!!) and re-programming their brains for use as his own private android army (gosh!).

We are introduced to the lovely Melissa (Deborah Ryan), whose boyfriend Sam (Terry Lester) works in Devareaux's laboratory. When Sam mysteriously disappears (we already know he's become one of Abner's android zombies ), Melissa begs the members of KISS to help her find him. Remember, kids, in whatever alternate universe this film takes place in, KISS is not just a rock 'n' roll band, they're super heroes too!!

Thanks to a way-cool set of glowing mystic talismans, each band member has a special super power - Gene Simmons is the fire breathing, animal growling "Demon," Ace Frehley is the "Space Ace" with powers of teleportation, Paul "Star Child" Stanley can shoot laser beams out of his eye, and Peter "Cat Man" Criss possesses cat like strength and agility (as well as a seemingly endless well of bad feline-related puns).

From here the film basically turns into a live action Scooby-Doo episode, with KISS in place of the Mystery Machine Gang. Sensing that these super powered rock 'n' rollers pose a threat to his Ultimate Revenge, Abner whips up four cybernetic KISS duplicates, starting with The Demon, who vandalizes park property and injures some security guards.

KISS' totally bitchin' Talisman Set!

KISS' totally bitchin' Talisman Set!

With KISS under a black cloud of suspicion, the band begins to poke around the park after hours, battling Devareaux's army of robot werewolves (?) before they're captured by monsters in the fun house. With the real band locked safely away in his secret underground laboratory, Devareaux sends his robotic KISS out onstage in their place, where they perform a sloppy, "slightly altered" version of "Hotter Than Hell" (re-titled "Rip and Destroy") in the hopes that angry fans will start a riot and destroy the park.

When KISS escapes from the mad scientist's clutches and appears onstage to fight it out with the robots, the stage is set for an earth shattering climax, because "there can BE only one!" ...oops, sorry, wrong movie.

I could go on all day about how hilariously bad this movie is. The band members mostly sleepwalk through their roles, as if they realized early on that they were trapped in a turkey and just wanted to get it over with. The only time Peter Criss' real voice is heard in the film is during a brief acoustic performance of his hit song "Beth," as the rest of his dialogue was re-dubbed by another actor.

Perhaps the most insulting thing of all is the film's soundtrack. You'd think a KISS movie would be packed wall to wall with their music, but aside from the all-too-brief concert scenes which provide the movie's few highlights, the backing tracks to KISS Meets the Phantom is mostly awful disco-influenced "action music" that sounds like it was borrowed from CHiPs or Charlie's Angels.

The best way to sum up the movie is by quoting Ace Frehley's constant, bewildering catch phrase from throughout the film: "AACK!"

"Insufficient data at this time, Star-Child..."

KISS Meets the Phantom premiered on NBC-TV 's "Saturday Night at the Movies" on October 28th of '78 and the faithful KISS Army tuned in to watch in droves. Phantom was NBC's second highest rated program of the season (bested only by the epic miniseries Shogun), but the film was quickly denounced as "kid stuff" by KISS fans and did irreparable damage to the band's already-shaky reputation.

The torturous process of making Phantom also aggravated internal tensions between the band members. By the end of filming, the four could barely stand to be in the same room with one another. Frehley and Criss both wanted to quit KISS and embark on solo careers, but the band's management talked them into staying by offering each the chance to do a solo album under the KISS banner.

This turned into the infamous "four solo albums" debacle - one from each KISS member - which were all released in late September '78 (just a few weeks before Phantom aired). This placated Frehley and Criss for a while, but their days in the band were still numbered. Peter was out by 1980 and Ace walked away in 1982. We probably shouldn't blame KISS Meets the Phantom entirely for the breakup of the original four, but it certainly didn't help!

For most of the next two decades, KISS rarely spoke of Phantom and if they did, it was only in the most damning of terms. In the band's home video KISS: X-Treme Close Up, Paul Stanley says, "I didn't even know how the movie ended...while we were making it!" and he spoke of "wanting to crawl under his seat and hide" during the movie's premiere.

The Aftermath...

In recent years KISS seemed to finally develop a sense of humor about Phantom. Home video releases of the movie had been limited to a laserdisc (remember those?) and two blink-and-you-missed it VHS issues during the '80s, but in 2007 it was included in the KISSology Volume 2 DVD box set.

The version of the film in the KISSology set is actually an alternate cut, KISS In Attack of the Phantoms, which was released theatrically outside of the U.S. I personally have never seen this version of the film, though I'm told that it's better than the American TV cut, for whatever that's worth.

Apparently different KISS concert footage was used, some scenes were changed up, and much of the generic, cartoony "action" music was replaced by tunes from the band members' solo albums.

Four decades after its premiere, KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park is still a treasured bit of KISStory...even if it's for all the wrong reasons. Unless you're an obsessed KISS fanboy with a high tolerance for B-Movie pain, my advice is to seek out a copy of 1999's far superior Detroit Rock City if you're looking for a KISS movie fix. The band's appearance in that movie is little more than a glorified cameo, but at least the film is actually entertaining. Rip, rip, rip and destroy!!

© 2011 Keith Abt

Comments

Growler1962 on December 03, 2019:

I saw the KISS movie when it came on originally. I still have 1 to 2 comics stored away. They still put on a GREAT SHOW.!

Keith Abt (author) from The Garden State on July 27, 2013:

Hi, BDC - I remember the controversy surrounding the Cheezyflicks DVD version, the KISS camp smacked it down very shortly after its release so I never did get my hands on a copy. :( Fortunately I still have my vintage VHS copy on the famed Goodtimes Home Video label, that should tide me over...haha. Thanks for the comment.

BlackDiamondCheeshead on July 26, 2013:

I love this movie! Try to find the 2005 Cheezyflicks release on DVD - it's the original U.S. TV version, not the European release you find on the Kissology DVD...

The Cheezyflicks release is rare, because the Kiss legal team shut down production quickly, but it's out there.

Grab some popcorn and enjoy!

Keith Abt (author) from The Garden State on December 12, 2011:

So I've heard, Joker... and that's the version I own! I still have my old VHS tape from back in the day.

theJOKERiv on December 12, 2011:

The original US cut is even cheesier than the one on the DVD

Keith Abt (author) from The Garden State on December 12, 2011:

Thanx tschaunerb - I know, how could anybody NOT want to own this masterwork after viewing those YouTube clips? (Haha). As I said, it's available on DVD in one of the KISSology video box sets, or you can usually find used VHS copies via eBay or Amazon fairly cheap.

tschaunerb from Medicine Hat on December 12, 2011:

GOLDEN! i want this movie.

Keith Abt (author) from The Garden State on December 08, 2011:

Thanx Carl - I'd say that unless you're a diehard KISS fan (guilty), there's really no sane reason to subject yourself to this movie.

Carl on December 08, 2011:

lol, I remember getting a request to do this movie. At first I thought it was a joke until I saw on IMDb that it wasn't. I decided to skip on this one because apparently it was so bad, that KISS wants to make sure no one sees it (the same way George Lucas doesn't want us to see the infamous "Star Wars Holiday Special".) Great Hub as always, voted Up, Useful, Funny, Awesome, and Interesting.

mannyalice on December 02, 2011:

The stunt double for Ace is not only taller but also African American, which Paul Stanley gleefully pointed out in the commentary section of KISSOLOGY series

Keith Abt (author) from The Garden State on November 26, 2011:

@ Alastar - if they'd borrowed ideas from "Phantom of the Paradise" perhaps the film would've been more watchable! Haha.

@ Robwrite - I dunno, I think even the SyFy Channel would pass on this one if were made today. "We're sorry fellas, Mega Sharks and Crocosauruses are one thing, but a super powered KISS is too ridiculous, even for us."

Thanks for stoppin' by, fellas.

Rob from Oviedo, FL on November 26, 2011:

Ah, I was waiting for this one. What a classic piece of movie-cheese. I watched this on TV when it first debuted, at even at 13 years old, I knew a stinker when I saw one. After having seen films from the Beatles and the Monkees, I expected something entertaining, especially with the added attraction of the gang having super powers. But this wasn't even on the level of Hanna-Barbara stuff like "Space Ghost" or "the Herculoids".

Actually, come to think of it, it's the kind of thing the Sy-Fy channel would make today.

I hope Kiss got paid well to embarrass themselves in front of the whole world like that.

Funny, well-done revew,

Rob

Alastar Packer from North Carolina on November 26, 2011:

Wonder if they got any script ideas from Phantom of the Paradise? Awesome stinker to hub on Freddy. Don't mean to dis any fans but this thing goes to prove KISS was abusiness proposition from the get go and the bottom-line was always the main concern.

Keith Abt (author) from The Garden State on November 26, 2011:

@ Skeelo - you need to see this movie at least once before you die.

@ A.A. and Marek - I'm a huge KISS fan too, if nothing else I suppose the reaction to this film proved that the patience of the KISS Army did indeed have a limit, haha. When this movie came along that's when they went "ENOUGH!"

Keith Abt (author) from The Garden State on November 26, 2011:

Thanx for the comments y'all!

@ Joker - what makes it funnier is that Ace's stunt double is about twice Ace's size so he's easily noticeable... haha

marek504 from California on November 25, 2011:

Was a huge kiss fan growing up. I understand that Ace was almost always drinking and had to be replaced by a stunt man in many of the scenes.

Augustine A Zavala from Texas on November 25, 2011:

The movie was awful! Beginning of the end for an icon. Such a shame, they were so cool...

theJOKERiv on November 25, 2011:

Nice write up! Don't forget about the parts when Ace left to go get coked up and they replaced Ace with his stunt double in the fight scene and his stunt double happens to be African-American and you can tell even in Ace's make up. The version on Kissology isn't As bad, but it has way too much from Peter's solo album for my tastes!

Skeelo from Scotland on November 25, 2011:

This movie sounds horrible. I must have it. I'm not even the biggest KISS fan but this might make them gods in my eyes.