How a Modern Star Wars "Fan" Would Have Reviewed Return of the Jedi in 1983
Allow me to indulge myself with this one, just in the name of having fun. This is going to be a "mock diary" sort of thing mimicking what I imagine audiences with a modern taste would have reacted to Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi back when it first came out in 1983. I am writing it based on my observance of how certain Star Wars "fans" on the internet have reacted to the new wave of Star Wars movies.
1983 was before my time, and obviously I'm gonna get many things wrong. This is, by no means, what I think how people felt about the movie in 1983, or how people nowadays feel about it today. Please don't take it too seriously, Return of the Jedi is awesome, and so are Star Wars fans, well, for the most part. Enjoy.
Date of Entry: May 25, 1983
I finally made it! I got to see Return of the Jedi on the first day of release after 3 days of waiting and camping in line. And I am so PISSED OFF. This movie disappointed me on so many levels! The first two Star Wars movies blew my mind, but this one is just weird. Well it's not all bad. But it's Star Wars! All I'm asking for is absolute perfection! What the f*&k, Lucas?
First of all, what's with the titles of these movies? The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, you're straight up revealing how the movie will end in your titles? What gives?
So the Empire is building another Death Star? Because that worked out so well the first time, didn't it? Instead of making any effort to fix the pipehole from the first movie, they made the exact same design flaw, AGAIN! The only difference is, you don't need the Force to shoot torpedoes in it anymore. The hole is made to be so big, you could pilot the Millennium Falcon itself into the core to blow it up. Well that's not stupid AT ALL!
The Emperor has finally revealed himself in the flesh. Why does he look and sound completely different? I thought he was going to be a giant. Imagine the potential? Instead he's only a shriveled old man. I don't get why Vader and everyone was so afraid of him.
The movie opened with a mission of rescuing Han Solo from Jabba's Palace, but beyond getting Harrison Ford back with the team, the first half an hour was completely useless. Jabba turns out to be a huge slug, and his palace contained some disturbing images. Maybe it's based on George Lucas or Richard Marquand's residual crack house when they made this movie!
The plan to rescue Han didn't make any sense. Leia disguised as a bounty hunter and pretended to deliver Chewbacca to Jabba, just so she could free Han in the middle of the night. You know who else could have done it? Lando! He was already inside the palace dressed as a guard, the point of which was never revealed.
And why did Luke to through the trouble of having R2 carry his new lightsaber? He could have carried it himself, charge into the palace, kill everyone he meets and the result would have been the same. That way the droids, Chewie and Leia needn't have been put in danger. Speaking of Leia, this whole plot was probably an excuse to get Carrie Fisher in that slave dress, the word "dress" is applied in its loosest sense only. What shameless objectification of someone who used to be a strong female image. Disgraceful! I cannot believe LucasFilm would stoop this low.
Yoda made a return in this movie, for about 5 minutes, before he died. What's the point of having Luke not complete his training in the last movie if Yoda is only going to die of old age first thing this time? You could have killed him off then and that would have been a better reason for Luke to leave. After all the build up of Yoda being a Jedi master, I was expecting he would go fight the Emperor or something, guess we'll never see that now.
But then the most stupid thing happened! Leia turns out to be Luke's twin sister. Where the hell did that come from? I know the last movie hinted that Leia also had the Force, but why did they have to be related for that to happen? They kissed on the lips several times during the previous movies. Have you no shame, Lucas?
To add insult to injury, Leia had little to no reaction when Luke disclosed this groundbreaking information to her. Luke asked her if she remembered her real mother. When did we ever establish that Leia was adopted? She's a princess! Don't you think her bloodline would be a big deal? Leia was way too calm with the fact that Luke was her brother to be believable. Did she not realize that he was indirectly telling her that Vader is her father too?
Speaking of things being unbelievable, guess what eventually overturned the Empire? A bunch of teddy bears. Yeah, I'm not even kidding. So Lucas got some surprise riches with all those mums buying toys for their children, so now they insert toy commercials inside the movies? Those teddy bears are literally here to sell toys! Why would Stormtroopers, with laser guns and solid armor, lose to a bunch of mascots using rocks and arrows? If so, what threat did they pose to Indiana Jones in the first place?
Even Harrison Ford seems bored at times. Yeah, we get it. He's a big shot now, doing Raiders and hundreds of other movies, so he probably didn't want to come back at all. The only character I felt that had increased passion was Lando, probably because he's one of the leads now, the pilot of Falcon. Not sure what the hell that was beside him as the co-pilot though.
Sure, there are some good stuff in there too. The speed bike chase was exciting, the final space battle was great, and Luke had another fight with Vader which was also nice, except shorter than in Empire. But what the hell was the part when Luke, Han and Leia were caught by the teddy bears and almost roasted and eaten? And they were freed because those teddy bears thought C-3PO was their god? Give me a break, is this Star Wars or Looney Tunes?
They also made C-3PO tell stories about their adventures to the teddy bears, which was compelling enough to get them to join their final battle. I distinctly remember 3PO saying he wasn't much of a storyteller, and was quite unable to make them sound interesting. They can't even keep up with their own continuity?
Luke actually defeating Vader in a one-on-one lightsaber duel doesn't make the least bit of sense. Vader spent his entire life practicing the Force, but Luke only received very little training. The Emperor doesn't have a lightsaber, but he could shoot lightning from his fingers. How much more cartoonish can you get?
The Emperor was defeated when Vader hoisted him up and threw him down some shaft and, he exploded? What a lame ending for someone hyped up so much. This fight is all about Luke trying to turn Vader to the good side. Seriously? After everything Vader did? "There's still good in him. I've felt it?" At what point did that occur to you? When he killed Ben Kenobi? When he cut off your hand? Or when he proposed to overthrow the Emperor and rule the galaxy instead?
The ending was also a sappy Hollywood-ish moment. They all went to the teddy bear village and held a party, dancing along some of the worst music from John Williams. Just couldn't resist to advertise those toys again, could you?
Luke saw the ghosts of Ben, Yoda and another old man whom I presume is his father even though he never looked like that for a day in his life, all smiling at him. And the movie ends. Happily ever after, I guess. It could have been a Disney ending and you'd never be able to tell the difference.
Return of the Jedi is just a huge mess and a massive disappointment. Don't believe a word of those so-called critics under the payroll of 20th Century Fox. I'm glad this is the last ever Star Wars movie, because I'm done with Star Wars anyway. Here's hoping Superman III next month will cheer me up.