Cinematic Hell: The Bodyguard (1992)

Updated on December 3, 2016
Theatrical poster for The Bodyguard. Property of Warner Bros Pictures.
Theatrical poster for The Bodyguard. Property of Warner Bros Pictures. | Source

You know, I want to review a good movie. It's been awhile since I did a Cinematic Bliss review. Let me just look at my list... oh? The Bodyguard? Well I heard that was a great movie starring the late Whitney Houston and Oscar winner Kevin Costner. Well I'm kind of excited. Finally I get to review a good movie.

One movie later...

Ugh... remind me to tell my bosses they're not funny. Yeah sorry to tell you this guys but... The Bodyguard isn't that good. Yes I know it was a huge hit and I also know the movie's soundtrack was one of the biggest selling albums of Whitney Houston's career. But there's no escaping the fact this movie is truly overrated and even kind of silly. Honestly this movie was a huge hit because the music in it is truly amazing. A lot of people love Houston's version of I will Always Love You but honestly my favorite song off the soundtrack is the Oscar nominated tune I Have Nothing. However this isn't a review of the soundtrack, this is a review of the movie. So enough fooling around, this is The Bodyguard.

Frank Farmer (Kevin Costner) is a well renowned bodyguard who "doesn't do celebrities" (oh but he will). Soon, he's convinced (quite easily I might add) to protect famous singer and actress Rachel Marron (Whitney Houston) from some crazy stalker trying to kill her. During his time protecting her, Frank becomes infatuated and eventually falls in love with Rachel despite his one rule of not getting too close to his clients. Even though this movie was marketed as a romance film with a few action bits, this movie is mostly just a lot of action scenes with the whole romance thing being a subplot. And that would be totally fine if either of those elements were done right but both are horribly executed.

Let's start with the main plot: Farmer's attempts to keep Marron safe. Already this movie has a huge disadvantage with Costner in the title role. I'm sorry, I don't really buy Kevin Costner as a bad ass bodyguard. I don't care how many karate moves he does or that he has a samurai sword, he just doesn't fit in this role. Also that stupid haircut he has doesn't help matters either. Another problem is apparently all the characters are idiots especially the people in Rachel's entourage. It seems like the entourage and even Rachel herself don't really understand the whole "stalker threat" and it's very you know.. THREATNING NATURE! For starters, the people who supposedly care about Rachel's safety think it's a great idea not to tell her about the threat. For instance, the stalker breaks into Rachel's house and masturbates in one of her bedrooms. And what does the entourage do? THEY DON'T TELL HER FOR THE LONGEST TIME! True Rachel eventually finds out about the threat and the whole "stranger jerked off in your house without your knowledge" thing but still these people shouldn't even have jobs after that. But nope, no consequences for the entourage AT ALL! Farmer isn't that great of a bodyguard either. I won't give anything away, but it's made quite clear that someone close to Rachel is responsible at least partially for this crazy stalker being in her life. However, Farmer is apparently stupid because it takes him more than half the movie to realize this person is involved with the crazy stalker even though we the audience know as soon as this character is freaking introduced.

When it comes to the romance subplot... yeah that's not handled well either. To start, our two main characters are not very likeable. Like I said, Frank is incredibly stupid and honestly it's hard to make Kevin Costner likeable in a movie. When it comes to Rachel, even though she's a mother and supposedly an adult, she spends a big portion of the movie acting like a spoiled diva. She whines a lot about not hanging out with her friends, not being able to "live her life" and constantly complains about having to always be around Frank. Granted, I wouldn't want to be around the incompetent bodyguard either but still she is another character who doesn't understand the danger of having a crazy stalker who has a fascination with exploding dolls. The actual romance is not really believable either because Costner and Houston have no real on screen chemistry. The silly script doesn't help matters either. The dialogue in this movie is pretty damn hilarious and of course the finale is so melodramatic that it winds up being more funny than potentially heartbreaking.

The acting in this movie is kind of "blah" to me. I've never been a fan of Kevin Costner simply because his acting style is "bored but serious". Keanu Reeves does the same thing in a lot his movies and yeah that isn't working out for him either. I will say this for Whitney Houston, she's definitely a better actress than Madonna and Britney Spears put together. Also she's the only one in this God forsaken movie who's actually giving a shit. But she really has nothing to work with here. Her character is very whiny and acts more like a child than an adult. In fact, Rachel's 8 year old son acts more like an adult than she does.

I know a lot of people love this movie and remember it fondly because of the music. I will definitely give props where it's due. The only time this movie's bearable is when Houston sings her heart out (Queen of he Night is the worst song in the movie though). It's just not as good as it's reputation implies. The characters are unlikeable, the story is boring, the acting is off and the romance is beyond stupid. I guess I can add this movie to the list of "Movies I hate but everybody else loves". Score: 3/10.

Apparently, there's a scarf fetish I didn't know about.


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