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Top 9 Crouching Moron, Hidden Badasses of Anime

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Self proclaimed dark writer, mad scientist, anime fanboy, and gaming enthusiast. Witness the latest creation from my lab, and enjoy ^_^.

Just another day for a character you shouldn't underestimate

Just another day for a character you shouldn't underestimate

We all know the "class clown," the idiot in any nose-to-the-sky, level minded group who makes us all feel better because they're taken less seriously than the rest of us. We mock them, laugh at them, maybe even like their silly company, and then there are the dumb and bold among us who bully them. Maybe they think their lack of seriousness hides an exploitable inferiority complex, maybe they think the humor is a defense mechanism concealing the inability to defend oneself, or maybe the bullies are just big-headed egomaniacs biting off more than they can chew?

There also exists class clowns one doesn't want to play with, those who wear their opponents' blood as make-up when their friends are threatened, or give their nemeses pogo-stick-tails when their loved ones are harmed. This list is for these such anime morons. This list is for the top crouching moron, hidden badasses of anime.

Top 9 Crouching Moron, Hidden Badasses

9. Vash the Stampede (Trigun)
8. Tobi/Obito (Naruto Shippuden)
7. Yoshiko Hanabatake (Aho-Girl)
6. Black Star (Soul Eater)
5. Bit Cloud (Zoids)
4. Koyomi Araragi (Monogatari)
3. Zenitsu Agatsuma (Demon Slayer)
2. Gintoki (Gintama)
1. Grimmer (Monster)

9. Vash the Stampede (Trigun)

"Love and Peace!" is this pacifist's motto. For those not familiar with the masterpiece known as Trigun, Vash the Stampede is a maximum-GTA-stars-cowboy who acts like an incompetent moron, carries a gun with only blanks, and lives on a desert planet that inherited its social structure and fashion sense when Westerns were still cool. Rather than fight, Vash would rather strip naked and bark like a dog if ordered to if it gets butt-munches to roll back into their caves (that wasn't a hyperbole, by the way); however, threaten the lives of the innocent or his friends, and the man, or should I say super-human homunculus made to survive in extreme environments, will show you how he earned his bounty by dodging bullets, delivering blank shots with enough precision to topple giants, and a genius-level intellect enabling him to outmaneuver seemingly impossible odds. Still feeling frosty? Then how about staring down his left arm that transforms into a weapon of mass destruction able to level a city? Vash the Stampede may be more passive than an abstaining monk on Sunday while acting like a smiling imbecile every day, yet endanger his friends and you'll soon learn "Love and Peace" can still be achieved if you have a collapsed lung, broken bones, and a few bruises from a WTF-caliber gun.

8. Tobi/Obito (Naruto Shippuden)

When Tobi first appeared in Naruto Shippuden, no one would have guessed he was one of the most terrifying villains the ninja world would ever face. First appearing as a replacement for Deidara's partner Sasori in Akatsuki (Think the Legion of Doom from DC... but if everyone was a badass ninja banned from their hometown for crimes against humanity), Tobi fooled audiences with his hilarious and dumb demeanor, making many watchers, including yours truly, mistake him for the comic relief character in a sequel in the need of some levity. Then we learned the leader of Akatsuki was a war-bound madman who needed seven bodies to contain his collective power... Then we learned the man leading him was our lovable goofball, a super ninja whose goofy mask hid an eye that drags his enemies into another dimension, can hypnotize walking natural disasters called Tailed-Beasts, make him intangible to any attack, and assisted him in murdering both of Naruto's parents. Yeah, the Sharingan is that OP, so OP the writer's had to take away one of Sasuke's in Boruto and give him something weird like that Rinnegan. And it tricked all of us into believing there was no hidden badass in Tobi's crouching moron.

7. Yoshiko Hanabatake (Aho-Girl)

For those unlucky enough to have lived without seeing this comedic masterpiece, Aho-Girl is a comedy about a determined girl, named Yoshiko, and her undying love and dedication to a high school student she has a crush on, while they contend with life's myriad of challenges along the way. Nah, just kidding! It's actually about a girl so dumb she torments an anti-social jerk she loves until he's on the brink of insanity... Or is she? After you try not to laugh yourself to death like the weasels in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, you'll realize Yoshiko can take all the Ryu-uppercuts and jokes about her IQ level... But something happens when you insult bananas. One of the dumbest characters in anime history trades her vacant expression, aloofness, and penchant for punishment for extreme athleticism, coordination, and surgical precision, which enables her to easily defeat an entire gang of hoodlums without breaking a sweat. Just as John Wick has his dog, Yoshiko has her bananas, and don't you forget it unless you want one shoved down your throat.

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6. Black Star (Soul Eater)

Ever wonder what would happen if Naruto became a Shinigami? You probably weren't, but here's your answer anyway: You get Black Star, an absolute moron who constantly brags about being the greatest assassin in the world with the social grace of a baseball player in a glass house. Black Star may act like your teenage brother who wears all black while chanting, "I'm the Dark Flame Master!" but don't let his idiotic nature fool you: He's one of the top soul reapers at the academy, meaning he's killed more blood-thirsty horror abominations for souls than you've pissed yourself when a large dog barks from around the corner. And that's the scariest part about Black Star's brand of CM/HB: He thinks he's one of strongest badasses in school while doing silly posses, tripping over nothing, and not understanding the most basic groundwork of a plan... And he's right.

5. Bit Cloud (Zoids)

Bit Cloud earns a special seat on this list by appearing to always be a Hidden Moron, even during his badass moments. Those familiar with mecha anime will feel comfortable with Zoids, a world where giant, robotic armors resembling humans are replaced with those resembling dinosaurs and modern-day predators. Our protagonist is a scavenger who seems to have the intelligence of a dumb grunt, then you turn on your thinking-caps and realize, despite his constant goofy expression, he scavenges this dangerous world solo, and he’s an unstoppable engine of destruction in his Liger Zero, the flagship mech of Zoids. However, you would never guess this meeting the guy outside a Zoid, even as he saves you by beating a gang of battle-hardened bullies through a series of “accidents.”

4. Koyomi Araragi (Monogatari)

Koyomi Araragi, the protagonist of the infinite series that is Monogatari, is the trope-codifier for ambivalent, wunnabe-heroes. With the attitude of that dork in middle school who stuffed his head in comic books while dreaming of flying an iron man suit (before he graduates and works on car engines for a living), Koyomi jumps in the situations of beautiful girls to save the day, his idiot hair waving in wind, shouting perverted fantasies… while really not solving anything until his coming of age arc, but don’t be deceived by his foolish antics. Using his powers of a vampire, his punch can level buildings, he’s always at peak physical condition, and he has a healing factor rivaling Alrucard from Hellsing, and a shapeshifting factor to rival his too. So just remember: It’s okay to make fun of Koyomi for dreaming of becoming a tree while a girl slaps him for asking for her panties, but it’s not okay to make fun of his harem (or his sister… who’s a part of said harem) or he’ll transform into a literal tree and whoop you harder than a Whomping Willow, and no amount of firepower will save you.

3. Zenitsu Agatsuma (Demon Slayer)

Anime cowards are never given respect in the medium. In worlds where titanic monstrosities eat us puny humans seven days a week, it’s surprising being a little fearful of such odds is treated as a stigma, and Demon Slayer’s Zenitsu Agastuma is such a character. The kid resembles a Feudal murder hornet, always questioning his abilities, and acts like a coward during every demon encounter when he’s supposed to be a demon hunter… yet despite this, he’s actually good at his job. Zenitsu is not only one of the fastest characters in the show, but can even fight while unconscious, which pushes his speed feats to godly levels when his restrictive, diffident brain no longer slows him down. And just like, the Cowardly Club (which includes a last-supper table with Usopp, Armin, and Hercule) gets a new member of merit thanks to his brand of hidden badass.

2. Gintoki (Gintama)

Many anime fans will place their hands on their Bibles/their mother’s tombstone/Trump’s forehead and swear Gintama is the greatest comedy anime in existence. People drooling over meta-humor like mothers fawn over kitten videos aside, Gintama’s protagonist, Gintoki, is incidentally one of the goofiest anime heroes you’ll ever see. Even if he owns an odd-jobs company after Japan was invaded by aliens, his favorite hobbies include reading Shonen Jump (See where the meta-humor comes from?) and just slacking off. However, it should be noted Gintoki is one of the oldest Shonen protagonist at the ripe age of 27, and with that age comes some wisdom: he’s a samurai veteran of the war with the invading aliens, and is an unmatched swordsman in the world of Gintama. Just remember with Gintoki it’s cool to laugh at his bad cosplaying and goofy demeanor; just don’t tread on his code of Bushido unless you want to eat the rest of your meals through a straw.

1. Grimmer (Monster)

Wolfgang Grimmer may be spy, but he’s also the friendliest person you’ll ever meet. To compensate for his inability to feel emotions, Grimmer goes out of his way to appear normal and kind to others, even if he must constantly fake smiles and do good deeds to do it. However, don’t lower your guard if Grimmer, or the children he’s trying to rescue, get put in a dangerous situation. After all, the man’s lack of empathy is a result of experiments meant to psychologically condition “the perfect human,” and those results manifested a split personality that murders without remorse when he’s pushed into a corner. Did I forget to mention these same experiments created Johan Liebert, the main villain of Monster, who’s widely considered one of the best villains in anime? So remember: It’s okay to laugh at Grimmer when he fails miserably at playing soccer with elementary school kids. Just don’t accidentally point a knife or gun at him, and you won’t be smashed Hulk-style by the “Magnificent Steiner.”

© 2022 Zeron87

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